This Nonsensical Thing We Call
by WhirledPeace
Summary: Yaoi, ZetDei/DeiZet. Deidara finds he can't hate as much as he'd like to. And perhaps he might like this. M for lemon. Slightly plotless, more drabbly.


A/N: I do not own these characters or this world. These is more of a doodle, really. And I'm trying my hand at switching up some "set in stone" positions. A lot of couples can switch it up. You'll see what I mean. And I've tried to write this without that silly bold nonsense. Alert me if it gets confusing at all. Thank you for reading, and enjoy!

-WhirledPeace

* * *

Deidara stumbled back from the blow, gasping in pain. Incidentally, he also tripped over a rock, falling flat on his back. "Ouch," said the rock.  
"Goddamnit!" he screamed, throwing a bomb at his opponent, who dodged. Deidara got up to stare incredulously at the rock, which was now revealed to be a head with a shock of green hair and yellow eyes. "Zetsu?" he cried. He had only heard the name twice, but this specimen was easily identified.  
"That hurt," the plant man growled.  
"You're messing me up, un!" Deidara cried.  
"Go ahead, die," the white side said listlessly.  
"One of you is going to, anyway, so I'll eat either way," the dark side added.  
"Bitch," Deidara muttered, dodging a kunai and lobbing a small spider at Zetsu. Zetsu just rolled his eyes and sank into the ground.

* * *

That was Deidara's first encounter with the strange man. Even before meeting him, he had decided he hated him. It was just how he felt about all Akatsuki at the time. They were all worth his contempt. But slowly that had begun to change; he grew to respect his Danna, and Kisame could be polite. Of course, the Zombie Twins were to be avoided, but they weren't ones to hate, more fear. There was always the way he detested authority, so all leaders were despised. And he would always hate Itachi, period. And that left Zetsu.  
Deidara had decided he would just keep on hating Zetsu, because the idiot never showed his face enough to make any other conclusions. And that was a final statement. When Deidara decided something, it was decided. Period.

* * *

But then he had returned to the base and actually met Zetsu, after a particularly harrowing, and everything had changed.

* * *

Sasori dragged Deidara into the base. "Someone get Zetsu!" he cried, grabbing the nearest subordinate and shaking him.  
"Eep! Whatever you want, Akasuna no Sasori-sama!" he cried and ran off. Sasori sniffed with satisfaction and lay Deidara out on the ground. The blond groaned, head flopping to the side. His single visible eye blinked.  
"D-Danna?" he breathed, coughing.  
"Shut up, brat. You'll only worsen the situation." Zetsu came down the hall then, scowling and wiping blood off his hands.  
"What?" he snapped.  
"Deidara's poisoned. It was something in the water. I don't think I can handle it," Sasori explained hurriedly.  
"Have you tried?" Zetsu asked.  
"Yes, goddamnit!" Sasori cried. "Do something, before he dies!" Zetsu snorted softly.  
"He's not going to die, puppet," he replied. But he stepped forward and grabbed Deidara, dragging the blonde off.  
"If he dies, can we eat him?" his dark side asked.  
"Hush," the lighter side growled, laying Deidara out on the work bench. Sasori had followed the plant man worriedly.  
"What are you doing?" he asked.  
"Go away, Sasori," Zetsu sighed.  
"No, stay. Tell us what happened," the dark side said. Sasori hovered in the doorway. "Sit, puppet." Sasori did so, on Zetsu's bed. "What happened?" Zetsu was already busily mixing up something in a boiling beaker of water.  
"We were staying in an inn. There was someone there, a rival rogue, who got to the food before we did. I wasn't affected, obviously-"  
"Cut to the chase," the white side snapped.  
"Well, they put something in the food, and Deidara got poisoned. I was able to deduce it was some form of anthrax, but-"  
"I've got it pegged already, don't worry," Zetsu said absently. "Ricin. Tricky bastards. Your emergency procedures might've saved his life."  
"Really?" Sasori swelled a bit. Zetsu was younger than him, but worlds above him.  
"Yes. You've made my job easier. Now you may leave." Sasori left without another word. Deidara chuckled.  
"N-nice," he gasped. "N-never seen him ordered around, un."  
"Well someone should do it more often before he gets above of himself. Now hush." Zetsu slipped a needle into Deidara's vein.  
"You're going to feel dizzy and sick. If you need a bowl, just let me know." Zetsu crossed his arms and watched Deidara shiver and shudder. But he held his own, and stopped shaking after a minute or so.  
"Hm. Evidently you've been able to sweat out enough of it already."  
"Sit up." Deidara groaned.  
"Ugh." He reached up and grasped Zetsu's shoulders, hoisting himself into a sitting position. Zetsu smirked.  
"Now stand." Zetsu stood back, but left a hand on Deidara's shoulder. The blonde set his feet on the floor and slowly stood. "Very good."  
"Now, just to be safe, I don't think you should spend the night alone…" Deidara's eyes widened, wondering what exactly was coming next.  
"We shall set up a cot." Zetsu helped Deidara sit back down on the work bench.  
"Please lay down and rest, Deidara-kun," the dark side added. He then disappeared out of the room, and Deidara lay back slowly. He surveyed the room. It had a strange smell, sort of earthen. The walls were lined with shelves, with potted plants lining them almost entirely. Only one shelf was given over to books. There was a small desk, and a mattress, and then of course, the work bench that Deidara now occupied. It wasn't particularly unpleasant, for a cannibalistic plant-man.  
A few minutes later, Zetsu returned with a folded up cot under his arm. He set it up on the other side of the room, and then helped Deidara onto it. "There. Now be a good little bomber and stay quiet while we finish our work." Deidara groaned.  
"Good little bomber, yeah?" he asked incredulously. Zetsu chuckled.  
"Yes, be a good little bomber," Zetsu repeated, going over to his desk and picking up a scroll and sitting down on the ground. He seemed quiet content to sit there and pour over it, occasionally scratching something with a pen. Deidara sighed. He was slowly coming back to his senses. The sun was shining through the window and falling onto him, and he felt slightly content.  
Only slightly, mind you. He was never happy in Akatsuki, and would always hate it. No one was worth his while, no stupid missions were worth his time, and it was all just a waste of time. But his eyelids felt so heavy, and the sun was so nice, he couldn't help but slip into sleep.

* * *

"Deidara." Deidara groaned, cracking his eye open.  
"What, un?" he snapped, annoyed at having his nap ended. But then he saw who it was, and all his angry feelings dissipated.  
"I need to run a few checks, if you don't mind. Please sit up." Deidara slowly did so. A pencil light was shone into his visible eye. "Very good. Now open your mouth." Deidara did so. Zetsu looked into it and nodded.  
"Very good."  
"And how do you feel?"  
"A bit groggy, hmm," Deidara said, blinking rapidly.  
"That is to be expected."  
"What time is it, un?" Deidara asked, yawning.  
"A little before sunset. I've brought you a sandwich, see if you can eat it." Zetsu handed Deidara a plate and then went back to his scroll. Deidara tentatively took a bite, finding chicken and mayonnaise.  
"Interesting sandwich," he said, trying to make conversation.  
"I don't eat, so I wouldn't know. Sasori made it," Zetsu said shortly. Deidara sulkily munched on his sandwich.  
"But you eat people, un," Deidara pointed out.  
"We dispose of bodies, yes," Zetsu agreed. "But not for nutrition."  
"So you just don't eat, yeah?"  
"I have plant cells that can perform photosynthesis, that the rest of my human cells can use the energy from that," Zetsu explained. Deidara contemplated this, taking another bite of his sandwich.  
"What're you studying, un?" he asked. For some reason, Zetsu wasn't doing anything that would keep up Deidara's hatred for him, so now Deidara was left to form a new opinion. Zetsu looked up, eyes dull.  
"Techniques," he replied.  
"You're boring, yeah," Deidara complained.  
"I don't think you should be overexerted at this point. You've just recovered from ricin poisoning."  
"Hey, I'm partners with Sasori, yeah! I get enough poisoning as it is, un."  
"So you may have built up a slight tolerance?" Zetsu asked, attention snapping instantly and alertly to his patient.  
"Uh… maybe?"  
"Does Puppet test his poisons on you?" Zetsu asked.  
"Erm… he might…"  
"This is very interesting," he mumbled, walking over to his desk and picked up a needle. He then dipped it into a vile of green liquid. He then went back over to Deidara and pressed the needle against the blonde's upper arm, just barely breaking the skin.  
"Hey, what-"  
"Hush, I will not hurt you," Zetsu muttered. "Hmm. We must run tests." Zetsu put the needle in a test tube, and then set this down on a shelf. His arms were lifted, and the leaves melded with his flesh. He then cracked his neck and slowly split apart, with a gooey ripping noise. The white side grabbed the tube, and then left the room. The black side now turned to Deidara.  
"Finish your sandwich," he said, smirking. Deidara obediently picked up the sandwich and took another bite. Zetsu sat down beside his cot, looking intently up at him with those playful yellow eyes. "So, what symptoms have you been experiencing?"  
"I… I've been puking, and shivering a lot."  
"Have you experienced anything you would classify as a seizure?"  
"Not that I can tell…"  
"Very interesting."  
"I didn't know you two could split apart like that, un," Deidara said.  
"Psh. My stupid human figured it out. But he can't stand it too long away from me."  
"So who are you, un?" Deidara asked.  
"I'm a demon. I'm often called Black Zetsu. But no matter, that is none of your concern," Zetsu replied, leaning back against the wall. He was mostly exposed, the side that had been more recently attached was a bit smoother than the other, but otherwise he was a separate being. He had somehow managed to get the same pair of pants on that they had been wearing together before, but wore no shirt.  
"How old are you, un?" Deidara asked.  
"Me?"  
"Yes, you, un."  
"Twenty-three."  
"Wow. I thought you were a lot older than that, yeah," Deidara said. Zetsu shrugged. "How old were you when you joined, un?"  
"Twelve."  
"So you've been here the majority of your life, un?" Deidara cried. Now he couldn't possibly hate Zetsu. He had been here so long and so young, he couldn't have possibly had any choice in the matter. "What made you join?"  
"Land." Deidara's brow furrowed. Zetsu's tone told him he didn't want to talk about it, but it seemed an innocent and harmless enough.  
"And what is that supposed to mean, yeah?" Deidara asked. "How does Akatsuki get you land, hmm?"  
"It's not for me," Zetsu replied. "But now you're just being nosy. Tell you what: if you live to see twenty, I'll explain in detail." Deidara sighed.  
"That's mean."  
"Not from my perspective."  
"When's your better half getting back, un?"  
"Soon. Why, is my company that displeasing?"  
"Yes, in fact, un," Deidara shot, interested in how Zetsu would react. He merely gave a sardonic chuckle.  
"Well then, be glad it will not trouble you for very long."

* * *

But Deidara's affectionate feelings hadn't solidified until later.

* * *

He was back at that base, and it was during the interlude between Sasori's death and Tobi's promotion. "You've done well, Deidara-kun. Go ahead and take a little break," Leader-sama had said. And so now he was stuck with no one to bother, no one to argue with. And then he had run into the one man who could argue with himself and perhaps lose.  
He was teasing Itachi.  
Zetsu was sitting on the table, legs crossed, grinning sadistically. "Hey, Ita-chan, how many fingers am I holding up?" he asked, holding up two. Itachi wrinkled his nose.  
"I'm not obliged to answer that," he said.  
"Wrong." Itachi sighed.  
"I'm just trying to make a sandwich."  
"Finally, doing something on your own!"  
"Will you be quiet?" Itachi snapped.  
"Ooh, losing your cool, huh?"  
"Not so unemotional now, Ita-kun."  
"Be quiet!" Itachi cried. But he didn't lash out physically.  
"Hey Ita-kun, if you really can see what you're doing, why are you putting chocolate sauce on your sandwich?" Zetsu asked after a small silence.  
"Because I happen to like it," Itachi growled.  
"Well, all right then. But do you happen to honestly like it with-"  
"Yes, Zetsu-san!" There was a short pause. "Sama. Zets-sama," Itachi corrected. Zetsu smirked.  
"I've got you very well trained, Ita-kun." Zetsu stuck out his tongue and then hopped off the table, nodding at Deidara before continuing on to his room. And like that, Deidara was pretty sure he'd fallen head over heals in love.  
Of course, it was merely a strange and exhilarating feeling that rushed through him like adrenaline, and made him want to just pounce the strange man then and there, so it could've been anything, really, from the stomach flu to ricin poisoning again.

* * *

About a week later, Deidara decided to make his move. Zetsu had come in dirtied from a secret mission, and had been ordered to clean up and stop getting mud everywhere. And so he had resigned himself, with a dramatic sigh, to the bathroom.  
Obviously, this was too good for Deidara to pass up. He snuck down the hall and listened at the door. "Don't say that," the black side snapped.  
"Are we just going to leave him out there?"  
"What else, invite him in?"  
"I wouldn't object…"  
"If he wants something from us, he is going to have to try a bit harder." And with that, Zetsu fell silent. Deidara smirked. Was his little Zetsu giving him a challenge? Well, that couldn't be turned down, now could it? Deidara waited a minute or two, until he was sure Zetsu was completely in the shower, before picking the lock. He silently slid the door open and slunk in. Zetsu chuckled.  
"I told you," the white side teased.  
"Perhaps he is just in need of assistance," the black side muttered. Deidara smirked, stripping himself in silence before locking the door once more and stepping over to the shower. It suddenly hit him Zetsu might be mad if he didn't ask for permission.  
"Zetsu?" he called.  
"Hmm?"  
"May I join you, un?"  
"How very polite of the little boy!"  
"Oh, hush. I think it's sweet." Deidara took this as a yes and drew back the curtain, stepping in. Zetsu had his arms folded over his chest, smirking at Deidara. His body was actually quite good-looking, the skin colour being the only abnormal thing about him. Deidara smirked now.  
"So your natural colour is green?" he asked. Zetsu chuckled. Deidara reached out, but before his fingers met with Zetsu's slick skin, he hesitated, looking up into those yellow eyes. "Am I allowed to?" he asked. Though Zetsu's body looked human enough, he could sense there was something off. Deidara could sense Zetsu was not human, no matter how much he resembled one.  
"Yes," the black side replied. Deidara let just the tips of his fingers trail over Zetsu's chest, feeling the slight ridge where they joined, the warm water cascading down, and the strong muscles. Zetsu's mouth twisted, and Deidara couldn't tell if he was pleased with it or disapproved. Deidara then leaned in and kissed Zetsu, lightly, on the lips. Zetsu's white hand reached out and lightly lay on Deidara's shoulder. Deidara deepened the kiss, their tongues tentatively touching, sliding against one another. He pushed forward, pressing Zetsu's back against the wall of the shower, mouth working furiously against the plant nin's. This tentative connection they had initiated, hesitant and faltering, was most definitely cramping his style.  
He dragged his hands down Zetsu's sides, feeling the other man shudder against him. He smirked up at Zetsu, raking his nails now over the man's erection. Zetsu hissed slightly. "You're just a damn kid," he growled. Deidara rolled his eyes.  
"Yeah? You going to deny what you want, un?" he replied. Zetsu wrinkled his nose, but slid a leg around Deidara's waist. They were both ready enough, it wasn't as if they were ones for foreplay. Deidara slipped a few fingers past Zetsu's entrance, and after a bit of this he then slid in. there was gasping and moaning, and then they were rubbing against each other, craving more and more friction. Zetsu bit Deidara's neck, leaving a blooming hickey, while Deidara let his head fall back, body doing as it willed to satisfy them. Zetsu clawed at the skin of the blonde's back, gasping softly as he was penetrated.  
Eventually Deidara moaned deeply, spilling himself inside Zetsu's heat. Zetsu set his feet back firmly on the ground, biting at Deidara's neck while the blonde rode out his orgasm. Once he returned to his senses, he looked into Zetsu's eyes. "You've had your fun," Zetsu said playfully, hands on Deidara's hips. Deidara sighed.  
"I don't bottom, un," he replied. Zetsu pouted, and stepped back from him. He then placed one hand on the wall, and split himself apart.  
"One moment," the white side said politely, turning to the black side. They quickly played a round of rock-paper-scissors, the white side winning with rock. He smirked, turning to Deidara. "Come here," he said, beckoning the bomber over. Deidara tentatively stepped up to him, looking him over.  
"What are you planning, un?" he asked suspiciously.  
"We're compromising. Just relax."  
"Surprised he hasn't bottomed before," the black side muttered, standing off to the side. The white one turned Deidara around, pressing his chest to the blonde's back, pumping his erection around the front.  
"Shh, please relax, Deidara-kun," he whispered against Deidara's ear. The black side slid around to Deidara's front, lifting a leg around his waist. Deidara eagerly leaned into the black half in front of him, suddenly enjoying this compromise. Black Zetsu slowly began sliding up and down Deidara's length, and as Deidara moaned, the white half slipped three fingers inside him. He grabbed at the black half's back, pressing their chests together as the white half slowly, softly, entered him. Briefly, he supposed that perhaps it was better having the white half do this. He was more playful, and more likely to be gentle. The other half did have a serious, cruel streak. All three stayed absolutely still, waiting for Deidara to make the first move and set the pace.  
Deidara slowly grew accustomed to the feeling of intrusion, and decided he'd better get moving. Grabbing the black half's hips, he looked into those round yellow eyes and shoved forward, the black half slamming into the wall. As predicted, there was only a moan and a beg for more as a reaction. White Zetsu matched Deidara's pace, but tried to cushion his movements, not wanting to handle Deidara as fiercely as his other half was being handled.  
As they all neared climax, Deidara pumped the black erection that had been rubbing against his abdomen. He himself couldn't last much longer, and spilled his seed inside the black half. A split second later, both halves came at the same time, one inside Deidara, the other into his hand. All three collapsed against each other, panting and trying to manage their heart rates. Once their breathing had evened out, the two sides of Zetsu joined once more. Deidara sighed, looking the man over. 'I suppose now he's going to all whiny, or ask what this makes us, or something weird…' Deidara thought.  
"What?" he snapped. Zetsu sighed, shaking his head.  
"I was only…"  
"Going to ask you to leave."  
"I need to finish my shower, you see…" Zetsu smirked, and Deidara did as well, as he got out of the shower and grabbed a towel. Oh yes. Most definitely love.


End file.
